I hate life right now. I just don't know why I have to be the person that I am, so sensitive to everything. I will never change, and I hate it. I try so hard to be different, just so that I can get through the day without stressing myself out to no end, but it always fails. I am so sick and tired of worrying about every little detail and trying so hard to make sure everything works out perfectly, nothing is perfect and I know this. So if I know this why can't I just feel it too, why worry about the unnecessary and make myself sick over it. I just wanna cry
Nothing in my life happens normally.. Nothing. Everything is too good to be true or I waste 9 years on it just to find out that I guess my misery loved his company. I want what my sister has, I want to move out, I want so much more......unfortunately my personality wants it NOW. That's way too much to ask for I guess, I wish I could go back and put up that wall of stone and never let anyone through it again. He hurt me so bad that I can't recover from the damaging effects, which now effects me in my life without him. Fuck him, fuck it all I just want to be happy 100% of the time, not here and there. If life weren't so fucking hard everyone could be happy, but since I dwell on the small shit it's extra hard for me. Seriously I am just hating life right now, nothing takes my mind off anything else, everything just keeps weighing me down. 26 is right around the corner. Yuck. Can I have a 26 year old crisis......because I feel it coming on.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
What do you wish for....
As I layed in bed trying to get motivated to move out of bed this morning I had a revelation to make a list. Personally there are so many things that I am wishing for right now....maybe some of you others can carry on and make your own list after you read mine of course =)
Anyways, Im going to make this list and update it when they come true over the next few months because I am determined to make everything happen!
1) A new job. Of course I will still help Dad out, but I need a constant paycheck if I want to have any kind of Real fun.
2) A nothing day with the boy. I want to lay around watch movies all day and just relax while being in his arms.
3)The most excellent birthday ever. 17 days and counting...
4)That the ex of his moves on and out already. Not mine, his. I do get to spend alot of time with him already but both of us want more.
5)Babies, or just one. I want kids, this is not going to happen over the next few months.
6)Get married, he talks about it....I fall in love with the idea of it and that's it...We're in love.
7)That I could get Tori Spelling to marry my sister this summer, she would LOVE it.
8) To cook in his kitchen
9)To spend time with his son. This little boy lights up my world, and I love it.
10)To join a class.....not school related, more like exersize related. Kick-Boxing anyone?
Thanks for reading, hopefully the things that I am wishing for will progress my attitude into something more positive, I have been rather negative lately...
Anyways, Im going to make this list and update it when they come true over the next few months because I am determined to make everything happen!
1) A new job. Of course I will still help Dad out, but I need a constant paycheck if I want to have any kind of Real fun.
2) A nothing day with the boy. I want to lay around watch movies all day and just relax while being in his arms.
3)The most excellent birthday ever. 17 days and counting...
4)That the ex of his moves on and out already. Not mine, his. I do get to spend alot of time with him already but both of us want more.
5)Babies, or just one. I want kids, this is not going to happen over the next few months.
6)Get married, he talks about it....I fall in love with the idea of it and that's it...We're in love.
7)That I could get Tori Spelling to marry my sister this summer, she would LOVE it.
8) To cook in his kitchen
9)To spend time with his son. This little boy lights up my world, and I love it.
10)To join a class.....not school related, more like exersize related. Kick-Boxing anyone?
Thanks for reading, hopefully the things that I am wishing for will progress my attitude into something more positive, I have been rather negative lately...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Holiday Weekend
Memorial Day weekend is the perfect time to have a party, relax and drink outside just in time to bring in the summer rays. Every Memorial Day BBQ that I have ever attended has been so much fun and just kicks of the summer in a huge way. This year a lot has changed in so many good ways, and I have really started to grow up and realized that I can't control everything, sometimes life just has to get a little mixed up so we can find ourselves before we get lost in this crazy world. The new boy most defintely showed up yesterday, like I would have expected any less from him. This one, he is just phenominal, always surprises up his sleeve. The best was yesterday when I called him and he told me he was going to be leaving his house in a few minutes to drive the 40 minutes to the party, yea I was getting excited. Then 5 minutes later he arrives, and he thinks its just so cute when he does that to me. Ok well it is cute, and to others really annoying that I go all red-in-the-face crazy when he does it.
If you have ever fallen in love then you know exactly how great it feels to find that someone that just makes you udderly happy. For the first time in my life I am admitting that I have never felt the way that I do with him, ever. Seriously I thought that I was in love with Nick, but this new relationship feels soooo much better than any of the time that I wasted in my old relationship. I thought I had love all figured out years ago, guess it was just me being naive because the way that Bob makes me feel everytime I see or talk to him is just heart racing. I am ready to see where the future is going to take me, sooooo ready =)
If you have ever fallen in love then you know exactly how great it feels to find that someone that just makes you udderly happy. For the first time in my life I am admitting that I have never felt the way that I do with him, ever. Seriously I thought that I was in love with Nick, but this new relationship feels soooo much better than any of the time that I wasted in my old relationship. I thought I had love all figured out years ago, guess it was just me being naive because the way that Bob makes me feel everytime I see or talk to him is just heart racing. I am ready to see where the future is going to take me, sooooo ready =)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Running away from the Past, and FAST
Life is good.
The new boy is amazing, (he just texted me the sweetest message....)
Where has he been all my life =)
Oh thats right I wasted 9 years on dumb fuck. My bad. Yea well everything happens for a reason and Im semi-ok with that.
Life without walls and barriers is pretty darn sweet and as much as I have learned to lOvE being SiNgLe, I just don't wanna be anymore. I feel like I should be further in my life right now but Im not and it sucks.
Took a mental health day from most everything in life and sat at the beach reading a book, I lOvE being 15 miles away from Chicago. It's not Wrightsville Beach in NC, but it will do for now. The peace and serenity of being alone and doing something for myself was phenominal.
I am Woman, Hear me roar!
The new boy is amazing, (he just texted me the sweetest message....)
Where has he been all my life =)
Oh thats right I wasted 9 years on dumb fuck. My bad. Yea well everything happens for a reason and Im semi-ok with that.
Life without walls and barriers is pretty darn sweet and as much as I have learned to lOvE being SiNgLe, I just don't wanna be anymore. I feel like I should be further in my life right now but Im not and it sucks.
Took a mental health day from most everything in life and sat at the beach reading a book, I lOvE being 15 miles away from Chicago. It's not Wrightsville Beach in NC, but it will do for now. The peace and serenity of being alone and doing something for myself was phenominal.
I am Woman, Hear me roar!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The element of surprise has finally caught up!
Me and the Boy!
Me and Teri!
Me and Teri!
Best surprise yet!
Yes, that's right people....I graduated on Friday! I was so thrilled, and even through the long boring ceremony every minute of it was worth it! I only have one issue to address here, and that is the element of surprise! I ruin surprises or people ruin mine for me, they go hand in hand together and to be honest I think every time I am posed with a surprise I have already had some inclination to part of the details. Its a flaw of mine and a dooming one at that, especially for someone who always talks about spontaneity and its thrilling aspects!!
For the good part:
I WAS REALLY WITHOUT A DOUBT SURPRISED BY MY SISTER THE NIGHT OF MY GRADUATION! Most credit goes out to her for planning the most unexpected suprise of my life. My boy showed up for dinner and drinks at the restaurant after graduation and I had NO Fucking CLUE! I will give the love credit to him, for making my graduation something that I will remember for all time. He really picked me off my feet in shock! I'm definately falling for him more now than I thought before.....no guy has ever done something like that! It just meant more than I think he even knows....but that's ok I only told him a zillion times this weekend how special he made my day for me.
P.S. He got us a hotel and we spent the weekend in each others arms. I guess love could be in my not-so-distant future, because seriously I think I just might love this one =)
Not to leave out the most fantastic time we had BBQing at my sisters on Saturday night. He such a sweetie, and Im putting my whole self out there into the universe just to see where this relationship will take me =)
For the good part:
I WAS REALLY WITHOUT A DOUBT SURPRISED BY MY SISTER THE NIGHT OF MY GRADUATION! Most credit goes out to her for planning the most unexpected suprise of my life. My boy showed up for dinner and drinks at the restaurant after graduation and I had NO Fucking CLUE! I will give the love credit to him, for making my graduation something that I will remember for all time. He really picked me off my feet in shock! I'm definately falling for him more now than I thought before.....no guy has ever done something like that! It just meant more than I think he even knows....but that's ok I only told him a zillion times this weekend how special he made my day for me.
P.S. He got us a hotel and we spent the weekend in each others arms. I guess love could be in my not-so-distant future, because seriously I think I just might love this one =)
Not to leave out the most fantastic time we had BBQing at my sisters on Saturday night. He such a sweetie, and Im putting my whole self out there into the universe just to see where this relationship will take me =)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
As the tide turns.
So yeah its been awhile, i know...
But damn have I been busy. Finishing school, working for the company and finding myself all over again. Just when I thought that it couldn't get any better it did, well of course after some minor mountains that I was dropped in front of to climb. I can honestly say that nearly 9 months after the brutal break-up my heart has finally started to mend. I always told myself that I was strong and that good things would come my way, but I guess I had one fatal flaw in my plan....I was trying too hard to get what I thought I wanted. See that beautiful picture down there...yup that's the 'boy' - well not really in age, he seven years older than me, but it just sounds cute and puts that gleaming smile on my face when I refer to him as that =)
I've known this guy for almost 2 years, and WoW - he has been part of many dreams. I don't even know what to say, its just that he is suspiciously perfect - but Im taking that for a ride and I don't know where it will lead me =)
I have always longed for something more from relationships but never knew what I really was looking for, if you get my drift. Then came him...his eyes light up the room and his smile gets me everytime. Oh, and I get butterflies in the pit of my stomach when i think of him. Who knows where this crazy journey will take me, but you will hear it first. I Promise =)
BTW - Crazy Ex (as he is now refered to in my phone) is moving on as well, THANK THE LORD! Maybe he will have less time to bother with what Im choosing to do in my life and focus on his, after all he fucked it all up. No blame on my shoulders, No regrets. It's the first kiss that means the most but when you can have that first kiss everytime you know what road needs to be burned and which road to follow. The 'Boy' and his kisses get me everytime, just like the very first that we shared =)
But damn have I been busy. Finishing school, working for the company and finding myself all over again. Just when I thought that it couldn't get any better it did, well of course after some minor mountains that I was dropped in front of to climb. I can honestly say that nearly 9 months after the brutal break-up my heart has finally started to mend. I always told myself that I was strong and that good things would come my way, but I guess I had one fatal flaw in my plan....I was trying too hard to get what I thought I wanted. See that beautiful picture down there...yup that's the 'boy' - well not really in age, he seven years older than me, but it just sounds cute and puts that gleaming smile on my face when I refer to him as that =)
I've known this guy for almost 2 years, and WoW - he has been part of many dreams. I don't even know what to say, its just that he is suspiciously perfect - but Im taking that for a ride and I don't know where it will lead me =)I have always longed for something more from relationships but never knew what I really was looking for, if you get my drift. Then came him...his eyes light up the room and his smile gets me everytime. Oh, and I get butterflies in the pit of my stomach when i think of him. Who knows where this crazy journey will take me, but you will hear it first. I Promise =)
BTW - Crazy Ex (as he is now refered to in my phone) is moving on as well, THANK THE LORD! Maybe he will have less time to bother with what Im choosing to do in my life and focus on his, after all he fucked it all up. No blame on my shoulders, No regrets. It's the first kiss that means the most but when you can have that first kiss everytime you know what road needs to be burned and which road to follow. The 'Boy' and his kisses get me everytime, just like the very first that we shared =)
Monday, April 13, 2009
Home Opener Numbness
For the first time ever I had one of those 'been there, done that' moments. I attended the Chicago Cubs Home Opener, and what an experiance it was! Most certainly one that I will remember for the rest of my life. Multi-layered clothing was a must, with the high temp in Chicago being 43 today! Still a pretty damn sweet time was had by both me and my mother. We talked, laughed, drank and slowly froze together.....oh and thawed out together on the way home. Highlight of the day, seeing Wrigley Field before the Ivy has had it's chance to creep up in the outfield!
As always the Chicago Style Hot Dog was thrilling, but the drafty wind and misty rain....not so much =(
I literally felt like I was at a Bears game, everyone was so bundled up and so close just to keep warm!
Basically I couldnt have asked for a more perfect way to start the baseball season, GO CUBS!
P.S. They beat the Rockies and WON!!!!
As always the Chicago Style Hot Dog was thrilling, but the drafty wind and misty rain....not so much =(
I literally felt like I was at a Bears game, everyone was so bundled up and so close just to keep warm!
Basically I couldnt have asked for a more perfect way to start the baseball season, GO CUBS!
P.S. They beat the Rockies and WON!!!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
And were off.......
Yes. That's right baseball season, my favorite season thus far, is up and running! As a Chicagoian I am partial to my home teams, hands down!! The Chicago Cubs are my team of choice, but I won't spend hours knocking the rival team here because it's just plain annoying! I just love the rise in the temperatures that are associated with a good ol' fashioned game of baseball. Well with the exception of the past 48 hours......Snow, are you kidding me we had snow in April. It kind of ruins the mood when you wake up a few days into spring to a ground covered in white fluffy badness.
Now on to the topic of my dismay; Cubs vs. White Sox fans....both Chicago teams, but you would think we were from opposite ends of the earth. Now like I said earlier I will not bash the White Sox, I just need to vent and hopefully from this I can gain some sense of understanding of the human race.
I would love to live in a city where there is 1 baseball team! Of course there always will be that outsider who wasn't born and raised in Chicago who roots for the enemy. Or that single soul who has been following the Yankee's since birth but has always called Chicago their home.
The Cubs / Sox rivalry has gotten out of control! I can honestly say that I am very happy when the Sox win a game, but honestly is alot happier if the Cubs are on the same streak. Now on the latter side, die hard Sox fans are not the same. They would rather bask in their glory every step of the way and act like Cubs fans are rooting for some unknown invisable team.
My facebook homepage has blown up with the status changes today from Sox fans through out the opening day game today. People mimickin the announcers and acting so immature. Please tell me why I can be happy that my best friend's team won today, but get an attitude when I express my concern all the way up to the 8th inning. How dare she ask me if I have ever seen a Sox game in my life, of course I have I live in Chicago. Well maybe it's because she would rather lay on an operating table than go to good old Wrigley field with me.
GO CUBBIES!
Now on to the topic of my dismay; Cubs vs. White Sox fans....both Chicago teams, but you would think we were from opposite ends of the earth. Now like I said earlier I will not bash the White Sox, I just need to vent and hopefully from this I can gain some sense of understanding of the human race.
I would love to live in a city where there is 1 baseball team! Of course there always will be that outsider who wasn't born and raised in Chicago who roots for the enemy. Or that single soul who has been following the Yankee's since birth but has always called Chicago their home.
The Cubs / Sox rivalry has gotten out of control! I can honestly say that I am very happy when the Sox win a game, but honestly is alot happier if the Cubs are on the same streak. Now on the latter side, die hard Sox fans are not the same. They would rather bask in their glory every step of the way and act like Cubs fans are rooting for some unknown invisable team.
My facebook homepage has blown up with the status changes today from Sox fans through out the opening day game today. People mimickin the announcers and acting so immature. Please tell me why I can be happy that my best friend's team won today, but get an attitude when I express my concern all the way up to the 8th inning. How dare she ask me if I have ever seen a Sox game in my life, of course I have I live in Chicago. Well maybe it's because she would rather lay on an operating table than go to good old Wrigley field with me.
GO CUBBIES!
Friday, March 20, 2009
True Life: I wanted a New Phone
True Story too! I wanted one very badly, I mean I was on the brink of disaster with the old phone. Jesus, if anyone knows me I like to change things ALOT. I'm thinking that I might be on the verge of a problem, soo insead of dwelling on it Im just going to dismiss the feeling. No need to change it if I am happy, and not completly broke.
So anyways, I got a Palm Centro in August of last year, yea I know only 7 months ago, and I was sick of it. Thank got for some random upgrade option on my phone line, don't know where the heck it came from but I am NOT asking questions! Got my new phone!! Whoo Whoo!
I decided on an upgrade. The blackberry curve. It's Red, I would have preferred Black....oh well.
I am MADLY in love with my phone! I'm addicted to it like a fat kid is to cake, I mean seriously I might have to check myself into BA (Blackberry anonymous)!! Either that or quickly find some other device that gives me satisfaction before the crackberry takes over my life! I just can't understand how one handheld device can be so addicting, oh wait maybe it's because I have Facebook on it. Oops.
Oh well its a ton of fun and I look forward to my next call, text, or facebook message.....now if only i could figure out the twitter madness, I'd really be addicted!
Happy Friday!
So anyways, I got a Palm Centro in August of last year, yea I know only 7 months ago, and I was sick of it. Thank got for some random upgrade option on my phone line, don't know where the heck it came from but I am NOT asking questions! Got my new phone!! Whoo Whoo!
I decided on an upgrade. The blackberry curve. It's Red, I would have preferred Black....oh well.
I am MADLY in love with my phone! I'm addicted to it like a fat kid is to cake, I mean seriously I might have to check myself into BA (Blackberry anonymous)!! Either that or quickly find some other device that gives me satisfaction before the crackberry takes over my life! I just can't understand how one handheld device can be so addicting, oh wait maybe it's because I have Facebook on it. Oops.
Oh well its a ton of fun and I look forward to my next call, text, or facebook message.....now if only i could figure out the twitter madness, I'd really be addicted!
Happy Friday!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Set me free
Alot has changed over the last 9 months and I will be the first to admit there have been plenty of struggles, but ones that were well worth the fight. The last 4 or so weeks have been perfect in every way, I am Happy.
I think I am finally on the track of finding myself, not relying on other people to make me happy, I can do it alone!
This last weekend has been the roughest, I helped my sister move. She has moved into the most beautiful place, I am soooo happy for her! I have also been spending time with the ex, even though most people don't agree with it-it has been a blast! I realized last night that I have 5 months to enjoy what I have known for the last 25 years, and all I want is to have fun save some money and look forward to the future because I have no freaking clue what it is going to hold. Deep down I know what I want, I just don't have the complete satisfaction of knowing when, if, or even if it should happen. Time can only tell and until then as long as I have a constant smile on my face and worry about Me, Myself, and I - Life will be great!
I think I am finally on the track of finding myself, not relying on other people to make me happy, I can do it alone!
This last weekend has been the roughest, I helped my sister move. She has moved into the most beautiful place, I am soooo happy for her! I have also been spending time with the ex, even though most people don't agree with it-it has been a blast! I realized last night that I have 5 months to enjoy what I have known for the last 25 years, and all I want is to have fun save some money and look forward to the future because I have no freaking clue what it is going to hold. Deep down I know what I want, I just don't have the complete satisfaction of knowing when, if, or even if it should happen. Time can only tell and until then as long as I have a constant smile on my face and worry about Me, Myself, and I - Life will be great!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Learning to avoid to conquer
Our group at TFC - before the issues! Geezeee, I love the camera...Well as it is always said you are never too old to learn a new lesson in life. It's the truth. After a great weekend full of fun and exciting things on my agenda the fun came crashing down around me Saturday night. I'll admit now: I'm overly sensitive, I freak out easily and most of all I will always need my mother.
This past Saturday has taught me a lesson.
Here's what went down.
The four of us loaded up the SUV (Best friend, Brother, other Best Friends Boyfriend and I)
We drove across the Illinois state line to crappy ol' Indiana. Hammond to be exact. This was merely a repeat from months earlier. Been there done this was the case. We were all off to see a friend fight in the Total Fight Challenge and we were all super pumped to see him win again just as he did last October. I decided to be the DD and only consumed 2 beers while there. I got into an argument with my brother that needless to say ended badly, real bad. You see I am a compulsive planner and I just like to know when where and what all the time. I really don't see a problem with that apparently he did. A simple question turned into him yelling at me like he was my father. I would have none of that, I was done. The minute he started shouting obsenities to my face did it for me. I felt 15 again. I got up and walked away because no one, and I mean No One is going to talk to me like that. This is when my over sensitiveness kicked in at full speed. I realized that I let my feelings guide me to my phone, I dialed my mother because I just did not want to be there anymore. I didn't want to subject myself to anymore of that pain that I felt. Apparently I made it worse, and shit went down. He said some pretty mean things to me after finding out that I had made that phone call, and it didnt end there.
To make a long story shorter....no one came to get me
I had to be the bigger person and go sit back with him. He said nothing. I figured that silence was golden and it was going to blow over. Damn, I was wrong once again. Upon leaving I did NOT want to start a war so I kept my mouth shut and here is where I made one Very BAD decision.
I was too scared to argue with him about the keys and I didn't persuade him to let me drive like I know I very well should have done. I can't believe myself even now, I let him drive home intoxicated. So much for that good older sister that I tend to belive I am. I failed in the sibling department that night....Well seriously so did he.
All ended fine--meaning everyone got home safe and sound. He has only said a handful of words to me since Saturday and I am fine with that. What gets me is that he continued to drink after we returned back to Illinois and left me two nasty messages, One via text--One via voicemail. Which I didn't get until the morning. He hurt me.
From now on I'm going to do things different. I should have reversed my freakout moment to the parking lot toward the end of the night and made him give me his keys. I love him too much to see him get hurt, and that could have happened that night. I feel like it was my 'get outta jail free' card, and now it's expired. I need to learn to do the right things and not get scared or back down. That night could have easily turned out much worse for more than just me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Malfunction
Dirty dishes has to be the worst possible event known to us humans and I am not even sure why I despise that task so much, I just know deep down how much it sucks. To be real; Its not like I have to lick off any extra food, I do have a faucet that does that type of dirty work. It's just that I cannot stand the fact that other peoples old uneaten food has the chance of touching my hands. It's purely gross.
To be frank, my leftover mess gives me the creeps too.
If I never had to touch a funky dirty plate / smuged up cocktail glass I would be in heaven.
Seriously I will cut back someother places in my life in order to have disposable EVERYTHING. Its so much more sanitary...I don't trust soap and water.
That brings me to the theory that laundry soap just makes clothes smell clean....they never are. That is the mear reason that I will NOT take out other peoples underwear out of the dryer. Even if I need to use the dryer really bad, I would rather wait than touch my fathers underware. Sick.
What is your Major Malfunction?
To be frank, my leftover mess gives me the creeps too.
If I never had to touch a funky dirty plate / smuged up cocktail glass I would be in heaven.
Seriously I will cut back someother places in my life in order to have disposable EVERYTHING. Its so much more sanitary...I don't trust soap and water.
That brings me to the theory that laundry soap just makes clothes smell clean....they never are. That is the mear reason that I will NOT take out other peoples underwear out of the dryer. Even if I need to use the dryer really bad, I would rather wait than touch my fathers underware. Sick.
What is your Major Malfunction?
Monday, February 23, 2009
11 days absent
Oh my! Over a week, and almost hitting the two week mark. This isn't like me =)
Things have been crazy good and I have not had a free moment to just sit still and blog away. I have thought alot about blogging lately and everytime I think of it there is no damn computer around. Except for the few decent drives I have taken to help out my dear sister in her packing adventures...my computer was there but I just don't think blogging and driving go hand in hand. Im Super excited to be going to WIU this weekend, even if it is only for a day! I am taking my Best Friend with and I'm pretty sure she is just as pumped!
Right now I feel like a chewed up and spit out piece of Bubble Yum. I have done so much, and even my car is feeling it. It's in the shop =( I should find out what the damage is soon-ish but I will be car-less for the next day or so and I hate that feeling. If I am dependant on any one thing, that would be it.
I depend more on my car than I do on myself.
Maybe I would be able to depend on myself and actually use my legs to get me around but not in this damn feverishly cold weather in Chicago. Yuck is the word.
I am going to try to have more 'ME' time and write everything that is on my mind. To a point.
Final words.
I hate...
Re-runs of One Tree Hill & Gossip Girl - I need my fix and I just ain't gettin' it!!!!
When I have cramps - Almost NEVER ever happens...this month, not so lucky.
Sleeping without the TV on - Whoever invented SleepTimers gets a cookie!
The City - I could give a rats ass about Whitney, tell them to stop it now!
Plans that fail
Waiting - FOR ANYTHING
doing laundry on Tuesdays - It's a Monday thing...I might have laundry OCD
Emotions - they ruin everything.
IKEA furnature that fails
Cold toes and fingers
People that put words in my mouth - I'm not a mime.
These sleepless nights.
Things have been crazy good and I have not had a free moment to just sit still and blog away. I have thought alot about blogging lately and everytime I think of it there is no damn computer around. Except for the few decent drives I have taken to help out my dear sister in her packing adventures...my computer was there but I just don't think blogging and driving go hand in hand. Im Super excited to be going to WIU this weekend, even if it is only for a day! I am taking my Best Friend with and I'm pretty sure she is just as pumped!
Right now I feel like a chewed up and spit out piece of Bubble Yum. I have done so much, and even my car is feeling it. It's in the shop =( I should find out what the damage is soon-ish but I will be car-less for the next day or so and I hate that feeling. If I am dependant on any one thing, that would be it.
I depend more on my car than I do on myself.
Maybe I would be able to depend on myself and actually use my legs to get me around but not in this damn feverishly cold weather in Chicago. Yuck is the word.
I am going to try to have more 'ME' time and write everything that is on my mind. To a point.
Final words.
I hate...
Re-runs of One Tree Hill & Gossip Girl - I need my fix and I just ain't gettin' it!!!!
When I have cramps - Almost NEVER ever happens...this month, not so lucky.
Sleeping without the TV on - Whoever invented SleepTimers gets a cookie!
The City - I could give a rats ass about Whitney, tell them to stop it now!
Plans that fail
Waiting - FOR ANYTHING
doing laundry on Tuesdays - It's a Monday thing...I might have laundry OCD
Emotions - they ruin everything.
IKEA furnature that fails
Cold toes and fingers
People that put words in my mouth - I'm not a mime.
These sleepless nights.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
2001
This was the year that I finished High School. Put on your time machine gear ladies and gentleman; we are going back in time. In about 4 short months, give or take a few priceless days, I hit the official 8 year mark in time. You never really realize how fast these years go. I am a facebook addict, I will openly admit it, and I recently found it intriguing to fill out some random note about the Senior Year at my old, but dear High School. It got me to thinking, why in hell did I want to get out of there so bad, things were so much simpler than, and Im not focusing on the simple pleasure of late arrivals, the whole shebang was easy. It did have its immediate drawbacks lying right with the huge number of caddy teenage girls that could sniff out drama like it was their job.
I was confronted with the question 'To go, or not to go to my High School Reunion'
For years I could answer this question without a breath of hesitation, now; Not so much. I never realized how much life could change in the blink of an eye and instantly be reminded of that change from a question that I was very assertive on last summer. I don't want to go, Not now. Not in the current state of life that I am in, I love High School but I think I would only love it if I could repeat it exactly the way it was. Attending a reunion isn't going to give me my teenage years back, it can't.
Oh, but if I could turn back time...I actually wouldnt have done anything differently. Some of my greatest memories reside between the year 1998 and 2001, and it doesnt get any better than that.
I was confronted with the question 'To go, or not to go to my High School Reunion'
For years I could answer this question without a breath of hesitation, now; Not so much. I never realized how much life could change in the blink of an eye and instantly be reminded of that change from a question that I was very assertive on last summer. I don't want to go, Not now. Not in the current state of life that I am in, I love High School but I think I would only love it if I could repeat it exactly the way it was. Attending a reunion isn't going to give me my teenage years back, it can't.
Oh, but if I could turn back time...I actually wouldnt have done anything differently. Some of my greatest memories reside between the year 1998 and 2001, and it doesnt get any better than that.
She who laughs last...
Today is the last day before Friday, could it get any better. Weeks are just flying by like mad monkeys that the Wicked Witch of the West summoned. Yesterday was Wednesday however and it was a normal Wacky Wednesday just as planned.
Nothing exciting all day...sleep-work-homework-then more work.
I did go out with one of the besties to the bar last night for a few drinks. He was there. Normally I would have gotten that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like I did a few weeks ago when we ran into each other, but not this time. I kinda 'outted' him. Oops!
I did a semi-half turn to my right and kinda glanced toward him just short of his eyes and said 'hello' to his two friends. Never made eye contact, I kinda felt rude....but I really don't know what else to do. It was funny, and I'm still laughing about it as I write this...
There is a VERY good chance that with the way that he portrays himself he doesn't even give a rats ass if I talked to him or not. I never broke that barrier to find out if we could even just be friends, I just pulled the tape and sealed that box shut. Tight!
I do care to some extent. Ehh, maybe I don't. Caring is for suckers, then those suckers get licked then tossed.
If I did indeed get the last laugh, my record will remain unscathed.
I won't have it any other way. I win!
Nothing exciting all day...sleep-work-homework-then more work.
I did go out with one of the besties to the bar last night for a few drinks. He was there. Normally I would have gotten that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like I did a few weeks ago when we ran into each other, but not this time. I kinda 'outted' him. Oops!
I did a semi-half turn to my right and kinda glanced toward him just short of his eyes and said 'hello' to his two friends. Never made eye contact, I kinda felt rude....but I really don't know what else to do. It was funny, and I'm still laughing about it as I write this...
There is a VERY good chance that with the way that he portrays himself he doesn't even give a rats ass if I talked to him or not. I never broke that barrier to find out if we could even just be friends, I just pulled the tape and sealed that box shut. Tight!
I do care to some extent. Ehh, maybe I don't. Caring is for suckers, then those suckers get licked then tossed.
If I did indeed get the last laugh, my record will remain unscathed.
I won't have it any other way. I win!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Evilness behind the sniffles.
I hate them.
In so many ways. The only thing that is worse than vomiting is a nose that is Bi-Polar, and that is exactly the phenomenon that kept me up for most of the night last night. One minute I'm constantly feeling that post nasal drip every 3 seconds; wiping or blowing. All that leads to is a sore protruding extremity right center of my face. That feeling of liquids oozing out of my nose is very unpleasant, and even more so when I question if it is actually going down while I'm having an intense conversation...Ugh.
Worse than constant drip page is the stuffed nose. Yup that's part two in my noses multiple personalities disorder. I find myself obsessed over blowing my nose, thinking that eventually after Kleenex 104 and the 104th action of blowing that everything up there would be free, and I would be able to breath again. Not so much, this shit multiplies by the millisecond and it's plain old sickening to me.
I will be probably one of the few but I really much rather be vomiting uncontrollably until I recess to dry heaves that can only last for so long.
I just feel like any issue that contains my nose = complete and utter dissatisfaction and makes me crazy.
Right now personality number two is coming forward, and I just cant get that damn oozing mucus to stop flowing. I mean seriously my nose is running like a fire hose attempting to put out a fire. Maybe I could save a dollhouse that is in utter despair with my nasal drippings.
This is cold Number 2 of the new year, and I am fed up.
In so many ways. The only thing that is worse than vomiting is a nose that is Bi-Polar, and that is exactly the phenomenon that kept me up for most of the night last night. One minute I'm constantly feeling that post nasal drip every 3 seconds; wiping or blowing. All that leads to is a sore protruding extremity right center of my face. That feeling of liquids oozing out of my nose is very unpleasant, and even more so when I question if it is actually going down while I'm having an intense conversation...Ugh.
Worse than constant drip page is the stuffed nose. Yup that's part two in my noses multiple personalities disorder. I find myself obsessed over blowing my nose, thinking that eventually after Kleenex 104 and the 104th action of blowing that everything up there would be free, and I would be able to breath again. Not so much, this shit multiplies by the millisecond and it's plain old sickening to me.
I will be probably one of the few but I really much rather be vomiting uncontrollably until I recess to dry heaves that can only last for so long.
I just feel like any issue that contains my nose = complete and utter dissatisfaction and makes me crazy.
Right now personality number two is coming forward, and I just cant get that damn oozing mucus to stop flowing. I mean seriously my nose is running like a fire hose attempting to put out a fire. Maybe I could save a dollhouse that is in utter despair with my nasal drippings.
This is cold Number 2 of the new year, and I am fed up.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Spectacular Mid-Week Anxiety Attack
Wednesday has passed, all the way to Friday....I guess I'm a little late in reporting my news. Its forgivable though after you hear the story you will understand why it's taken me more than 24 hours. Lol
Set up a movie date with my people. My sister, brother, best friend and her boy toy...Free movie tickets to see Taken...Go see it, trust me its better than the previews!! I agreed to pick up my sister and meet everyone else there just because I LOVE spending time with her, she's the best sister a girl could have. We also love to shop together so we went to the store. We had a pit-stop at the local Wal-Mart (yes, I'm not embarrassed to say I shop there...but I definitely don't buy my underwear there...ugh) This is the lucky place where I got the call.
Now you are probably wondering, what call?
If you have read past posts you should all know what call I got.
It was my dad.
Here was our convo:
Me: Hello
Dad: Hey what are you doing (He never gets right to the point)
Me: Shopping with my sister
Dad: Oh yea I forgot
Me: Thats natural, so what's up dad?
Dad:Oh Yes, are you expecting a letter from Western?
Me: Dad, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YES....Um, I gotta go I will call you back I gotta call Aj to see if he will take care of this for me. Bye
Click-I did, I hung up on him....After all I was 35 miles from home shopping with my sister and I knew the only way that I was going to get that letter before midnight was to call my semi-close brother to pick it up.
Here's my next convo
Bro: Y-ellow
Me:Dumbass did you go to Mom's already?
Bro:Yeah why?
Me: Go back! Now get the mail, bring it to me!! I got something from Western...
Bro: Oh I didnt go to mom's house, I went to mom's work.
Me:Bitch...
Click-yup hung up on him too ;)
So I look at my sister and I swear all this happened in a matter of seconds, I really don't think that a minute had even passed. I was frantic. So now what. Wait 6 hours, or have the dad open the mail and read my fate to me over the distant cell phone waves. I decided to call, I remind my sister that this could either be good or bad...either I would be excited and making a fool of myself in Wal-Mart, or I would want to run and cry. Here goes nothing!
Dad: Storage Power Battery (he has my number programmed, he just does that sometimes pretending that its a customer calling....waste of time)
Me: Ok so AJ is not coming by the house before he meets up with us so can you open it please.
Dad: Sure....Um....give me a sec....
Me: Come on Dad hurry...
Dad: No I am looking for it, I think I misplaced it...
Me: What?? How could you do that, it's been like 67 seconds since I first talked to you
Dad: Oh here, it was buried....
So I can hear the opening of the envelope, that crackling sound that just made my hands start to shake and my heart start to pound. I want this...bad.
Dad: Congratulations you have been accepted!
Me: Oh My God, this is so exciting, Love ya bye.
I turn to my sister, and literally start jumping up and down in the aisle looking like a fool screaming "Yes Yes Yes I did it!!!!" She started jumping with me and that was the happiest that I have ever felt at 4:33pm.
I called everyone. I wanted to share that feeling of 1001 butterflies fluttering around in my stomach right away. Then I celebrated all night long. Movie, Margaritas, friends, family and it was spectacular.
Set up a movie date with my people. My sister, brother, best friend and her boy toy...Free movie tickets to see Taken...Go see it, trust me its better than the previews!! I agreed to pick up my sister and meet everyone else there just because I LOVE spending time with her, she's the best sister a girl could have. We also love to shop together so we went to the store. We had a pit-stop at the local Wal-Mart (yes, I'm not embarrassed to say I shop there...but I definitely don't buy my underwear there...ugh) This is the lucky place where I got the call.
Now you are probably wondering, what call?
If you have read past posts you should all know what call I got.
It was my dad.
Here was our convo:
Me: Hello
Dad: Hey what are you doing (He never gets right to the point)
Me: Shopping with my sister
Dad: Oh yea I forgot
Me: Thats natural, so what's up dad?
Dad:Oh Yes, are you expecting a letter from Western?
Me: Dad, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YES....Um, I gotta go I will call you back I gotta call Aj to see if he will take care of this for me. Bye
Click-I did, I hung up on him....After all I was 35 miles from home shopping with my sister and I knew the only way that I was going to get that letter before midnight was to call my semi-close brother to pick it up.
Here's my next convo
Bro: Y-ellow
Me:Dumbass did you go to Mom's already?
Bro:Yeah why?
Me: Go back! Now get the mail, bring it to me!! I got something from Western...
Bro: Oh I didnt go to mom's house, I went to mom's work.
Me:Bitch...
Click-yup hung up on him too ;)
So I look at my sister and I swear all this happened in a matter of seconds, I really don't think that a minute had even passed. I was frantic. So now what. Wait 6 hours, or have the dad open the mail and read my fate to me over the distant cell phone waves. I decided to call, I remind my sister that this could either be good or bad...either I would be excited and making a fool of myself in Wal-Mart, or I would want to run and cry. Here goes nothing!
Dad: Storage Power Battery (he has my number programmed, he just does that sometimes pretending that its a customer calling....waste of time)
Me: Ok so AJ is not coming by the house before he meets up with us so can you open it please.
Dad: Sure....Um....give me a sec....
Me: Come on Dad hurry...
Dad: No I am looking for it, I think I misplaced it...
Me: What?? How could you do that, it's been like 67 seconds since I first talked to you
Dad: Oh here, it was buried....
So I can hear the opening of the envelope, that crackling sound that just made my hands start to shake and my heart start to pound. I want this...bad.
Dad: Congratulations you have been accepted!
Me: Oh My God, this is so exciting, Love ya bye.
I turn to my sister, and literally start jumping up and down in the aisle looking like a fool screaming "Yes Yes Yes I did it!!!!" She started jumping with me and that was the happiest that I have ever felt at 4:33pm.
I called everyone. I wanted to share that feeling of 1001 butterflies fluttering around in my stomach right away. Then I celebrated all night long. Movie, Margaritas, friends, family and it was spectacular.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Fast Forward!
My life is spiraling out of control, every where I turn around something new has come up! It's freakishly exciting!! Finally got the time to watch a movie with my excellent sister yesterday...
I have been waiting to see this movie - Nick and Norah's infinite playlist (amazing, go buy it now!)
It was cute, I laughed too which I really love to do!!
Movie night again tonight just at the actual theater this time. Going to see Taken, looks good, and free tickets are never passed up by me for a movie. Should be fun and enticing.
Nothing interesting going on. For real.
So I'll have to continue to bore you.....ahhhh
You'll read on anyways.
I have been out, about, and sprouting a rainbow alot this month....and it's only day 4. Kinda stressing me out a little bit. I haven't had time in 6 days now to relax and veg out alone in my bedroom. Sort of depressing, I NEED that time. It makes me whole just to interact with myself once and a while. Lol.
So big plans call for my attention!
Can we just skip V-day. Ugh...I don't even wanna think about my singleness...
It scares me.
So then after that weekend of emotional wreckage come the fun weekends. The 21st I will be out for a friends UFC type of thing. Yes I know him. He is fighting! Scary too. The last one was fun, and I hoping that he can get his second straight victory! I know me and the besties will be cheering him on!
Weekend next in line is the end of the month. God its gonna come bite me, it feels so soon...
Me and my sister are going to Western for the weekend. Yea!! Gonna do the sister thing and check stuff out with her. Maybe roam the bars, but I will def be visiting The Union....this gurl needs some more warm hoodies because I feel like this weather is gonna be cold for a while yet. Ugh....sorry I reminded myself, so I had to remind you ;)
Happy Wednesday!
I have been waiting to see this movie - Nick and Norah's infinite playlist (amazing, go buy it now!)
It was cute, I laughed too which I really love to do!!
Movie night again tonight just at the actual theater this time. Going to see Taken, looks good, and free tickets are never passed up by me for a movie. Should be fun and enticing.
Nothing interesting going on. For real.
So I'll have to continue to bore you.....ahhhh
You'll read on anyways.
I have been out, about, and sprouting a rainbow alot this month....and it's only day 4. Kinda stressing me out a little bit. I haven't had time in 6 days now to relax and veg out alone in my bedroom. Sort of depressing, I NEED that time. It makes me whole just to interact with myself once and a while. Lol.
So big plans call for my attention!
Can we just skip V-day. Ugh...I don't even wanna think about my singleness...
It scares me.
So then after that weekend of emotional wreckage come the fun weekends. The 21st I will be out for a friends UFC type of thing. Yes I know him. He is fighting! Scary too. The last one was fun, and I hoping that he can get his second straight victory! I know me and the besties will be cheering him on!
Weekend next in line is the end of the month. God its gonna come bite me, it feels so soon...
Me and my sister are going to Western for the weekend. Yea!! Gonna do the sister thing and check stuff out with her. Maybe roam the bars, but I will def be visiting The Union....this gurl needs some more warm hoodies because I feel like this weather is gonna be cold for a while yet. Ugh....sorry I reminded myself, so I had to remind you ;)
Happy Wednesday!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Fix me Please
Something is wrong with me, and no it's not the average--cold, flu, broken bone, toothache--it's much more that that. I am that girl, the one who needs some one, a single soul to confide in. That one person that I can tell everything to and not have to worry constantly that they are going to spread their lips wide open and splurge to the whole world. I've had that in the past but it's becoming a faded light in the distance, and I have no replacement.
Most commonly confiding in that friend that you spend 90% of time with would work, but yea that doesn't seem to work for me anymore. Everyone around me seems to be so consumed with me.
- Is Casey home? Is Casey Happy? Where is Casey? What is Casey doing that for? Can Casey really do that? -
Focused on me. Why? I am focused on me. I am happy. I like where my life is going, for real. I like to be spontaneous.
I know that everyone cares, but I feel like I am being smothered. Seriously.
I can handle everything that life throws at me, I have proven it time and time again, so why at the age of 25 is everyone so consumed over me.
So I'm not completely off the radar, I know they care. Trust me I know this, but is there a such thing as caring too much?
Feeling like is is very dis-heartening. It makes me want to run away from all the nonsence, and fly free. I am a very independant person; always have been, always will be. I have evolved into the girl I always knew I could be!
So please release the pressure, It's driving me insane.
Most commonly confiding in that friend that you spend 90% of time with would work, but yea that doesn't seem to work for me anymore. Everyone around me seems to be so consumed with me.
- Is Casey home? Is Casey Happy? Where is Casey? What is Casey doing that for? Can Casey really do that? -
Focused on me. Why? I am focused on me. I am happy. I like where my life is going, for real. I like to be spontaneous.
I know that everyone cares, but I feel like I am being smothered. Seriously.
I can handle everything that life throws at me, I have proven it time and time again, so why at the age of 25 is everyone so consumed over me.
So I'm not completely off the radar, I know they care. Trust me I know this, but is there a such thing as caring too much?
Feeling like is is very dis-heartening. It makes me want to run away from all the nonsence, and fly free. I am a very independant person; always have been, always will be. I have evolved into the girl I always knew I could be!
So please release the pressure, It's driving me insane.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dance..Dance...Dance
Yesterday the day came.
Hip Hop Dance classes started :)
It was Super fun and definitely excersize worthy! After much time away from motivating activites this excersize was definitely what I needed to realize that I still do have muscles in my body. Some of the people were a little sketchy, and are Very intersting to me because I am a dedicated People Watcher! There were people of all walks of life participating in this class, some made me laugh ALOT more than others!!
A well deserved work out is nothing unless you can feel the burn, Oh and i felt it! I still do! I think I am going to like this for the next 6 weeks, a different change in pace. Sweet.
Hip Hop Dance classes started :)
It was Super fun and definitely excersize worthy! After much time away from motivating activites this excersize was definitely what I needed to realize that I still do have muscles in my body. Some of the people were a little sketchy, and are Very intersting to me because I am a dedicated People Watcher! There were people of all walks of life participating in this class, some made me laugh ALOT more than others!!
A well deserved work out is nothing unless you can feel the burn, Oh and i felt it! I still do! I think I am going to like this for the next 6 weeks, a different change in pace. Sweet.
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